Thread: Why love often lessens after marriage

Why love often lessens after marriage

If you're planning to make your relationship eternal by getting married, then you should sit down for a moment and give the idea a second thought, suggests a new study.

Northwestern University study is based on the question: Will the partner who supports your hopes and aspirations while you are dating also help you fulfill important responsibilities and obligations that come with marriage?

The answer to that question could make a difference in how satisfied you are after tying the knot.

Believing a partner is there to help you grow into the person you aspire to be predicted higher relationship satisfaction for both dating and married couples, the study showed. But the belief that your partner helps you live up to your responsibilities and uphold your commitments only predicted higher relationship satisfaction after marriage.

For dating couples, the relationship itself tends to revolve around whether things are moving forward. Happiness with a partner depends on whether the relationship will grow into something more, whether a partner will support the dreams the other eventually hopes to achieve.

For married couples, the feeling that their partners are helping them to advance their relationships and realise their ideal achievements is still important. But the relationships of married couples, now more interconnected both practically and psychologically, tend to revolve around upholding the commitment made to their partners. Unlike dating couples, married couples also put a high premium on their partners' support of whatever they determine to be necessary obligations.

"In other words, the feelings of being loved and supported that people use to judge who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may not be completely trustworthy in deciding who makes a good husband or wife," said Daniel Molden, assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern and lead author of the study.

"Those feelings may only partially capture the emotions that will determine your satisfaction with the person you marry," the expert added.

The findings, Molden said, could be important in explaining why so many marriages fall apart.

The study, which will be published in the July issue of Psychological Science, included 92 heterosexual dating couples and 77 married couples.

They completed a battery of questionnaires that included an assessment of how much they thought their partner understood and supported both the hopes and responsibilities they had set for themselves. To measure how different types of perceived support were related to happiness with the relationship, couples also completed well-validated measures of satisfaction, intimacy and trust.

source: Why love often lessens after marriage

I think its common that love lessens after marriage, and its not the same. In a known case of two friends i know they dated and then got married, and they marriage seems a bit dead too. He doesn't show enough love as he sued to her, and i think its the boys duty to do so, as shes left her parents home. If he used to bring her gifts before or even say i love you to her in public over the phone then he should be able to do it after marriage too.
There are only some cases where there still is as much love or more love after marriage!

Originally Posted by Preeti_20

I think its common that love lessens after marriage, and its not the same. In a known case of two friends i know they dated and then got married, and they marriage seems a bit dead too. He doesn't show enough love as he sued to her, and i think its the boys duty to do so, as shes left her parents home. If he used to bring her gifts before or even say i love you to her in public over the phone then he should be able to do it after marriage too.
There are only some cases where there still is as much love or more love after marriage!

What are you basing this claim on?

-F

The expectations change after one gets married.
After marriage, the girl expects her husband to do everything that she has seen her father (or any otehr father figure she has closely observed in her growing years) did and similarly the boy expects his wife to do everything his mother (or any other similar person) did.
With marriage also comes certain responsibilities. and the way one is able to take care of these also has an effect on the perception of his/her partner.

Its very very rare to find life partners who are really equal partners, capable of handling their responsibilites equally. Its generally in such couples only that friendship and love grows stonger with time. In all other cases, sooner or later, the expections are not fulfilled, and "love" starts to "lessen".

Originally Posted by panchabhut

The expectations change after one gets married.
After marriage, the girl expects her husband to do everything that she has seen her father (or any otehr father figure she has closely observed in her growing years) did and similarly the boy expects his wife to do everything his mother (or any other similar person) did.
With marriage also comes certain responsibilities. and the way one is able to take care of these also has an effect on the perception of his/her partner.

Its very very rare to find life partners who are really equal partners, capable of handling their responsibilites equally. Its generally in such couples only that friendship and love grows stonger with time. In all other cases, sooner or later, the expections are not fulfilled, and "love" starts to "lessen".

well said.. precisely..

i agree with doc....

its not tht it lessens but till the time u r not married ...u ve all the time in the world to b with ur special one since its a new relationship, there lots to kno n understnd, talk, over the period of time....maybe marriage other things take up priorities..like kids, daily life routines, in laws, socials, etc etc......

in no way it lessens but its jus tht we get busy with a lot of other stuff tht we dont find time to spare with our special one....

Originally Posted by aashaka_gandhi

i agree with doc....

its not tht it lessens but till the time u r not married ...u ve all the time in the world to b with ur special one since its a new relationship, there lots to kno n understnd, talk, over the period of time....maybe marriage other things take up priorities..like kids, daily life routines, in laws, socials, etc etc......

in no way it lessens but its jus tht we get busy with a lot of other stuff tht we dont find time to spare with our special one....

I agree with Aashaka. well mostly except that 'in no way' part ;-)

there are no certainties Aashaka, sometimes love does lession,
but I guess our point is that it doesn't happen as often as what
Preeti thinks ;-)

-F

well but if u take most of the cases.....it would be so......

obviously there might b lots of reasons for love to lessen in a couple from the husband or wife's point of view.....but the best thing is to talk it out than keeping things in ur heart for a long time.....the more u ll b bothered about such stuff u ll go more away from ur special one.....not physically but the love lessens, so does trust n there goes everything....

The main reason of the love marriage failure:
(a) Lovers only see the positive characters of partner. Even if they know the negative side, then also take it as positive till marriage.

(b) After marriage normally men become more responsible and may not get sufficient time with partner as before marrige. On the other side when a women become mother then naturally almost 50% of her care will go towards child.

(c) In a family the minor opinion clashes and small issues are common , In arranged marriage parents and relatives take more initiative to settle the issues but in love marriage (without the consent of parents) this will not happen and the small problems will go worst.

(d) Always " stolen kisses are sweetest" . After marriage it will become bitter (at least tasteless).

like many more........

one thing i also think is that when you get married to someone you think ok im married and that's it, dont need to rush around keep them with me, end of story then! It maybe the case that a partner gets bored of the person after a while, and seeing them everyday and all, sometimes its because of responsibilities a partner has to to in order to keep the house going or keep the marriage going and therefore the love itself lacks!

Originally Posted by farce

What are you basing this claim on?

-F

well from couples seen and i know!

tht is wht preeti.....prolly the ppl or frens u r in touch with .....might give u different views .....

so its essential to kno ppl wid some more diff & positive views as well.....

Originally Posted by Preeti_20

one thing i also think is that when you get married to someone you think ok im married and that's it, dont need to rush around keep them with me, end of story then! It maybe the case that a partner gets bored of the person after a while, and seeing them everyday and all, sometimes its because of responsibilities a partner has to to in order to keep the house going or keep the marriage going and therefore the love itself lacks!



well from couples seen and i know!

I dont know what makes you feel so...

but whateva (courtesy AAka)couples i have seen, were good even after marriage...

a couples needs to be trusty and ignore common things which can make up life terrible.. i think Indian families are best one to coup with it..

stress happens when children are going into adolescence. studies, admission, etc ...

yes not every couple ends up having issues n arguments n differences

Originally Posted by aashaka_gandhi

yes not every couple ends up having issues n arguments n differences

actually every couple will have those, but it can be worked out and
peace regained and life continues.

I do not agree to the title: "Why love often lessens after marriage?".

I would say: "Why love sometimes lessens after marriage?"

Basically marriage is full of small to big compromises. If any party who becomes adamant and says "my way or the highway", then there will be trouble. The marriage will become loveless, miserable and possibly end in divorce.

In case of joint families or when parents are living with the couple, then there are more parties and then there could be more trouble. In such cases, the parents/elders should leave the couple to take their own decisions - they can advice but stay away after that.

Originally Posted by just4kix

i do not agree to the title: "why love often lessens after marriage?".

I would say: "why love sometimes lessens after marriage?"

basically marriage is full of small to big compromises. If any party who becomes adamant and says "my way or the highway", then there will be trouble. The marriage will become loveless, miserable and possibly end in divorce.

In case of joint families or when parents are living with the couple, then there are more parties and then there could be more trouble. In such cases, the parents/elders should leave the couple to take their own decisions - they can advice but stay away after that.

qft

Love doesn't lessen after marriage! Expectations increase, responsibilities increase, and most of all time spent together increases. So the minute niggles which never appeared earlier irritate them.The girl wants to continue her style of living, obviously the boy expects him to lead his style! Conflicts increase... I can go on!
The point is, love doesn't decrease, but it also doesn't increase, where it ought to!

because after marriage the wife keeps nagging the husband.
Also the wife becomes fat after marriage so love becomes less.

xcuse me?????

this is a MALE Chauvinist.....

i totally dont agree to u.......

n WTF do u mean by tht...?

firstly u dont love the person u r gng to b with all ur life than whts the point of getting married to tht person? if u jus want the looks than fine most of Indian women get fat after marriage is due to pregnancy....go n adopt kids n run afte rthem u ll realise....

n y is it tht wife keeps nagging the husband???? its so not true....jus coz in those stupid daily soaps it shows ...... u come to a conclusion or maybe ppl around u????

if u r married or ve a gf than make em read this n than see wht happens.....? how cud someone have such a thinking ?

Originally Posted by Punch Bala

because after marriage the wife keeps nagging the husband.
Also the wife becomes fat after marriage so love becomes less.

Hmm. Is that your opinion or your thought process?

If that is your opinion about other people then it is true to an extent. But such people never loved in my opinion. They just had the carnal desire.

If that is your thought process, then it will be most unfortunate. Beauty is of the mind and not the body.

sorry, that is not my personal opinion, i have just heard lot of
people have that opinion.

"love" and "affection" is propotional to the square of distance separating the couple, in some of the cases having the mentioned issue.

Originally Posted by newprouser

"love" and "affection" is propotional to the square of distance separating the couple, in some of the cases having the mentioned issue.

you mean inversely proportional?

Agree with most of the people here.

It's like while boy/ girl date each other, they neglect the negative side of each other even they are aware of it. That is why people say "Love is blind". They try to satisfy ego of each other rather than pointing out the fault of each other. This is what happens generally. They have attraction for each other and they consider it love and get married and final result would be Divorce because after marriage both the parties become more responsible and they often think that other person doesn't care of him/ her and they start finding out fault of each other. They become unable to spare time for each other, they were used to before marriage. Hence one may feel that he/ she doesn't love him/ her like it was before marraige.

I don't have any experience but this is what i observed and read.

I think it is because of the familiarity, it will breed comtempt.
Just like when you eat sambar all the time with dosa you will
get bored so you need to mix it up with some podi/ghee for a
change.