Thread: How to select a husband or wife for ur self?

There are times in a person's life when we need to take crucial decisions on our own.
Marriage is one of them.

Believe me, the decision on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in his life. After marriage, your partner is the most important person in your life. Its like they can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very frightening.

Some of the questions that crop up on ur head are: (I ll give my own example as I am facing a similar situation)

a.. What sort of a guy do I marry? What should I look in him?
b.. Will I be able to adjust in the new family?
c.. How can I decide on a guy by just meeting her for a few times?
d.. When should I get married? Is there a perfect age to get married?
e.. This is my life. So, I should choose the guy I marry, but then what if I make a mistake? .. so on and so forth.

I will try to address these & many more questions in the following sections.


From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process takes a dunno how much time. The whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:

a.. Definition phase –
Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking for in terms of education,lifestyle, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans. Anything I am missing out?

b.. Lead Generation phase –
I personally do not agree with a lot of these but ideally ppl use these...Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends, family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all possible means of getting bio-datas at one go. I would say for me....i would bank on family & maybe frens.....I have an issue...i ve a very small family....so wht now? I dont have issues with intercaste as well....

I have not reached this phase as such!
c.. Short listing phase –
Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting bio-datas. The general process followed for correspondence is as follows:
1. The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/herself.
2. Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope.
3. The initiator then sends the requested information along with a request for similar information.
4. The receiver send similar information.
5. If the bio-data is selected, it is passed over to the next phase.

A.. Casual interaction phase –
Based on short listing, about 7 to 10 bio-datas are taken forwarded to this phase. The next step to follow here is to exchange email/ chat ids/ phone nos. The guy & the girl then interact for 10 - 15 days to try & judge mutual compatibility through email/chat/call.
B.. Family interaction phase –
Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are taken for consideration in this phase. During this phase, the parents get involved & check the background information about the families to find mutual compatibility.
C.. The dating phase –
Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken forward to this phase. During this phase, the guy & the girl interact by going out alone for 2-3 times. The guy/girl needs to prepare a set of simple questions like who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? Both need to use their judgment to analyze the other one based on the responses.
D.. The D-day phase –
Finally, the D-day comes when the selection has to be done that with whom they want to spend their life with. If the process if followed systematically, there will be no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life partner.

Finally, marriage is all about compromises. (BUT Y)

In spite of all the planning that you do, there are a lot of uncertainties in a marriage. In fact this is the best part about marriage. Just remember that the person you marry must be of your choice. In such case, there would be no going back for both of you.

A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in the age-old virtue, "Never do anything to others that you don't like for yourself".

The fact is not every time we depend on logic. What people do most of the time is rely on calculations based on logic. A person's true nature is seen only at his home. People we feel cool may not be so when it comes to family. I know a lot of people whom people do not like but are really nice.

Most of our parents might have never met before their marriage. If you speak to a person in western world, he will make fun of you for saying such a thing.

If you fear the uncertainty in Stock market, marriage has a risk factor much beyond that. Logical explanations will end up in recession.

well i feeel tht how can u kno someone in mere some days? n decide for life long.....

In that case, west should have the most successful family structure as they have every option to understand their partner.

Roll a dice. If it comes up as a prime number the marriage will succeed.
It is as simple as that.

It doesn't matter if it is arranged, self arranged, love, classified ad,
internet, or that elaborate algorightm mentioned above, every one
of those methods have the same probability of success or failure ;-)

-F

Originally Posted by aashaka_gandhi

well i feeel tht how can u kno someone in mere some days? n decide for life long.....

Eggjhectly..the question i am having..People just decide in few meetings that particular person is good and he/ she can spend his/ her life with that fellow. Most of the time it happens that people try to show their plus point and impress the other person. They never try to show what they really are. That is one of the reason of getting divorce.

Originally Posted by aashaka_gandhi

c.. How can I decide on a guy by just meeting her for a few times?

interesting

-----------------------------------------XXXXXXXXXXXX______________
Nice thread rep+

a.. What sort of a guy do I marry? What should I look in him?
b.. Will I be able to adjust in the new family?
c.. How can I decide on a guy by just meeting her for a few times?
d.. When should I get married? Is there a perfect age to get married?
e.. This is my life. So, I should choose the guy I marry, but then what if I make a mistake? .. so on and so forth.

Its a gamble...like farce said you get a good number you are lucky otherwise its a life full of nothing but misery and compromises.

well.. in this thread.. i have to ask aashu... do i have any right to speak ere??or comment/ agree.. disagree.. ?? :lol:

Originally Posted by Mr.Tooth Fairy

well.. in this thread.. i have to ask aashu... do i have any right to speak ere??or comment/ agree.. disagree.. ?? :lol:

go ahead and post. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission ;-)

-F

well thats correct farcey.. i agree completely with u.. :lol:

but its not abt that thing.. its about myself being commmited and this tipic is about arrange marriage!! so asking aashu.. she will kick me out of the discussion.. :lol:

well doc, this topic is not about arranged marriage, I think it is about
any kind of marriage.

-F

Originally Posted by aashaka_gandhi

There are times in a person's life when we need to take crucial decisions on our own.
Marriage is one of them.

Believe me, the decision on whom to marry is the most important decision a person will make in his life. After marriage, your partner is the most important person in your life. Its like they can make or break your life. The mere thought of this is very frightening.

Some of the questions that crop up on ur head are: (I ll give my own example as I am facing a similar situation)

a.. What sort of a guy do I marry? What should I look in him?
b.. Will I be able to adjust in the new family?
c.. How can I decide on a guy by just meeting her for a few times?
d.. When should I get married? Is there a perfect age to get married?
e.. This is my life. So, I should choose the guy I marry, but then what if I make a mistake? .. so on and so forth.

I will try to address these & many more questions in the following sections.


From the day, a person decides to get married; the selection process takes a dunno how much time. The whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment. The ideal steps to be followed are:

a.. Definition phase –
Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life partner you are looking for in terms of education,lifestyle, physical appearance, social status, family values, future career plans. Anything I am missing out?

b.. Lead Generation phase –
I personally do not agree with a lot of these but ideally ppl use these...Place ads in various newspapers, magazines, websites, through friends, family friends, family societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all possible means of getting bio-datas at one go. I would say for me....i would bank on family & maybe frens.....I have an issue...i ve a very small family....so wht now? I dont have issues with intercaste as well....

I have not reached this phase as such!
c.. Short listing phase –
Based on your selection criteria, short-list the interesting bio-datas. The general process followed for correspondence is as follows:
2. Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her one page profile along with request for detailed profile, photo, horoscope.
3. The initiator then sends the requested information along with a request for similar information.
4. The receiver send similar information.
5. If the bio-data is selected, it is passed over to the next phase.


A few words of advice: To make your marriage a success; just believe in the age-old virtue, "Never do anything to others that you don't like for yourself".

i think the bold letters convey only arrange marriage.. buddy..

well, I think our definitions of arranged marriage are different.

I think arranged marriage is where your parents select a groom and
ask you to marry that person.

By this definition, this thread is not about arranged marriage.
Arranging the marriage by yourself I don't think comes under
the category of arranged marriages.

-F

Online matrimony is not a new concept to people who are looking for marriage alliances over the internet. Millions of people have joined the list of available match-making websites in this race of finding a marriage partner online. The enhanced growth in the number of online subscribers to such sites is not surprising, as many marriages and meaningful relationships are now being initiated via the Internet. Marriage fraud is not an invention of the internet, nor is it new to this world however the number of people who have fallen for the trap is growing at an alarming rate

There are some tips that can be followed to prevent online marriage frauds:

Go By Your Instincts:
Be careful with someone who seems too good to be true. You can start by communicating solely by email, then look for odd behavior or inconsistencies. The person at the other end may not be who or what he says he is. Trust your instincts. If anything makes you uncomfortable, walk away for your safety and protection.

Judge By The Face:
A photograph will give you a good idea of the person's appearance, which may prove helpful in achieving a gut feeling. In fact, it's best to view several images of someone in various settings: casual, formal, indoor, outdoors. If all you hear are excuses about why you can't see a photo, consider that he has something to hide.

Be Realistic Your potential marriage partner may very well indeed be waiting for you online, but you should also set your expectations just a little bit lower. Being realistic also means setting realistic expectations about geography. The Internet allows us to search for and communicate with people from all over the world, regardless of their proximity to us. Unfortunately, that makes a matrimonial relationship difficult once you have to translate it into the real world.

Use Credibility Verification Sites

There are a few services that provide assistance to those who want to avoid such scams. Use such agencies. Such agencies help prevent marriage frauds, dating scams and internet dating fraud through an online marriage background check program comprising of personal background checks, education verification & criminal checks.

*** Associate links and content removed - just4kix ***

Originally Posted by nilact

Eggjhectly..the question i am having..People just decide in few meetings that particular person is good and he/ she can spend his/ her life with that fellow. Most of the time it happens that people try to show their plus point and impress the other person. They never try to show what they really are. That is one of the reason of getting divorce.

Its the worse....i mean how can u jus come to kno about that person in jus 4-5 meetings.....n in those 4- 5 times thy r at their best behaviour as well.....!

its soo bloody confusing.....at times i jus feel like going ahead n telling my parents tht doesnt matter to me find a guy whom u think is the best for me...since thy kno me the best.....! but how many guys or girls wud do so...n r soo close to their parents?????

A recent case in my family....a cousin of mine.....mere 20 years old, got engaged to this guy in jus one meeting - one n only one son, rich family, good lifestyle, nice house everything..... later on found out .....tht the guy has got high diabetes, BP , n other disease n hez not ready to control it.....also, now thy tell tht the horoscopes do not match.....which i feel is utter bullshit ...coz when u matched it...it was fine 6mths ago, later got the marriage date fixed it was ok n now its not ok......?

so finally thy had to break it...this thing had gone soo bllody big in the town as everyone was speaking they did 2-3 engagement ceremonies n all.....

obviously harm is done both to the girl n the guy.......

Originally Posted by ShAdOwCoN

interesting

-----------------------------------------XXXXXXXXXXXX______________
Nice thread rep+

Thanks....prolly a lot of us wud b gng thru the same situations......

Originally Posted by farce

Roll a dice. If it comes up as a prime number the marriage will succeed.
It is as simple as that.

It doesn't matter if it is arranged, self arranged, love, classified ad,
internet, or that elaborate algorightm mentioned above, every one
of those methods have the same probability of success or failure ;-)

-F

but no one wants failure .....right?

Originally Posted by 18lama

Its a gamble...like farce said you get a good number you are lucky otherwise its a life full of nothing but misery and compromises.

I agreee ....GAMBLE for life!

Originally Posted by Mr.Tooth Fairy

well.. in this thread.. i have to ask aashu... do i have any right to speak ere??or comment/ agree.. disagree.. ?? :lol:

arey be it arranged or love.....aajkal ke zamane mein anything's possible....

Originally Posted by farce

well doc, this topic is not about arranged marriage, I think it is about
any kind of marriage.

-F

yep.......

chalo iska matlab i can spam ere.. :lol:

Marriage is some thing which happens once but the effect will be there for the life time let it be good or bad, the effect will be there till the last.

I think its better to let the parents decide, if you have a girl/boy in mind then tell it to parents and ask their opinion and then decide.

Time is no unit to evaluate a person. People whom you know for years may betray you for silly benefits. I believe you hold a responsible post. I am surprised to hear that you doubt your management abilities.

@ doc.....spam ....?????? NAHIIIIIIII

@ KK - i agree......as such my parents wud b more than happy if i do a love marriage as in obviously with their permission n grants......!! i guess finding a guy on ur own at times is best....atleast u dont regret it....but as thy say every damn way u ve merits n demerits.....

@meet - mgmt abilities to find the right guy??????

I think you have great expectations about your would be. The problem is he will also have a similar questionnaire. If you can manage an equilibrium then any decent choice will be a success.

Originally Posted by aashaka_gandhi

The guy/girl needs to prepare a set of simple questions like who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies? Both need to use their judgment to analyze the other one based on the responses.

Better not to bank on this.

A recent case in my family....a cousin of mine.....mere 20 years old, got engaged to this guy in jus one meeting - one n only one son, rich family, good lifestyle, nice house everything..... later on found out ..........?

Something similar happened to one of my friends. She decided to marry this guy who was studying in Australia at their time of first meeting. She was just 22 when she decided to marry him only after a single meeting! Whether it was her decision or maybe she was under tremendous pressure from her parents I do not know. But I do know is that they had to separate and get divorced within one year into their married life.

meeting someone in the best of his/her moods and living with that person during the worst of moods are two completely different experience.
even if you go out with someone for 5000 dates there would still be some elements of his/her personality that would not be revealed.
so at the end of the day it all comes down the the level of patience and tolerence thresh-hold of a person and the extent of adjustment that one is willing to make for the sake of his/her spouse.

To make any marriage work one needs qualities like
1. patience
2. tolerence
3. willingness to compromise
4. admitting defeat in an argument fully knowing that the other person is wrong
5. willingness to sacrifice something for the sake of the happyness of the other
6. and most importantly willingness to see the other point of view

Originally Posted by panchabhut

meeting someone in the best of his/her moods and living with that person during the worst of moods are two completely different experience.
even if you go out with someone for 5000 dates there would still be some elements of his/her personality that would not be revealed.
so at the end of the day it all comes down the the level of patience and tolerence thresh-hold of a person and the extent of adjustment that one is willing to make for the sake of his/her spouse.

To make any marriage work one needs qualities like
1. patience
2. tolerence
3. willingness to compromise
4. admitting defeat in an argument fully knowing that the other person is wrong
5. willingness to sacrifice something for the sake of the happyness of the other
6. and most importantly willingness to see the other point of view

these points i m sure wud help.......!!!!!
Basically its all about Adjusting urself......

Originally Posted by meetdilip

I think you have great expectations about your would be. The problem is he will also have a similar questionnaire. If you can manage an equilibrium then any decent choice will be a success.



Better not to bank on this.

well those questions were jus basics i wud say...

obviously who doesnt want a perfect match ? well i do have some expectations n y not ? obv it will be a match only when i would answer to his expectations for his questiionaire....!!!!

HOPEFULLY....Fingers Crossed!

Originally Posted by aashaka_gandhi

obviously who doesnt want a perfect match ? well i do have some expectations n y not ?

problem is, as we grow older, our definition of "perfect" changes. so what is perfect today becomes not so perfect in 5 years time. and then, unless we are willing to adjust, the clashes begin.

lets say today u may want a person who is outgoing and would take u out alomost every day. so a party lover woud be "perfect" now. in 5 yrs, when u have kids, u would want to stay home. so what happens to your party loving man. he becomes "imperfect"