India Broadband Forum

padnar

Somebody was lamenting that there is a dearth of female topics, so I have opened one . pl respond as what do yu think of arranged versus love marriage ?
padma

Rameshjeee

Both are ok as long as you get your parents blessing...

itsmemad

I think its best if one does it love-come-arrange... Love is very necessary for a couple to start their life together... But blessings of parents of both sides is equally or perhaps more important... Isn't it? Atleast thats what I believe in.. And thats what I intend to do...

p.s.- I hope its not a female only section...

Rameshjeee

What about arranged-come-love???
Engangement.....6months gap....Marriage......
sounds like Vivah movie....

strider

Both are fine with me, atleast I get a girl,

Rameshjeee

There are few things which are basic for both (Love Mar..Arrng Marr..) like Love,Commitment,Understanding....
If you dont have these basic things..then the marriage will fail (whether its love or arranged..)

itsmemad

hehehe... most honest reply...

Rameshjeee

If you want to marry a girl,then u will defenitly get a girl....

strider

Come again?? hehehe

Rameshjeee

Just kidding.....

strider

It's fine with me, chum.

just4kix

Ah! A good topic after some time. Thank you, Padma.

As already said before, to make a marriage work it need understanding, commitment and compromises on both sides. That is the key.

Many people in an offbeat conversation say - arranged marriages usually work whereas love marriages often fail. But as with any statistics, they hide more facts that they reveal.

Yes. Arranged marriages appear to last. But if one carefully peels off the skin and digs within, the following facts cannot be ignored:

• In an arranged marriage, it is usually setup by elders of the family and in a sense it is a marriage of two families rather than individuals.
• There is a lot of pressure on the individuals (mostly on the girl) to make the marriage work.
• It is the girl/woman who ends up making all the compromises. The saas never misses an opportunity to tell the hapless young bride that she has come into their family and should alter her habits and likings as per the marji of the khaandaan.
• Sometimes (less than 5%) the boy also makes compromises but this is only in case when the man decides to do what is right.
• Girls now are educated. They get more freedom at their parents and they are encouraged to have choices and decide. Such girls end up being miserable in an enforced situation.
• Girls have to stick around to the marriage because by the time they realise that the marriage is a mistake, they are nearing 30s and past the age when they can attract new alliances and love-marriage at this age is more or less out of the equation. They are also mothers of a couple of kids by then.
• Our society shuns a divorcee and boys want virgin brides.
• So overall, the poor girl is forced to endure the situation.

All of it that was said above does not happen necessarily but I will not be surprised if this is the case with 50% of the arranged marriages and I am being very conservative with my estimate.

Today's girls are becoming more assertive. They want to have career. To the husband the wife career only means extra income. He still expects her to return home and cook, mind the children, take care of his parents, etc. It is when the girl tries to assert herself when troubles erupt.

Love marriages fail often because before the marriage the boy and girl are friends, lovers and most importantly equal. Marriage changes all that and then the girl who is accustomed on being equal terms (and on first name basis) will have nothing to do with male dominance.

People abroad have often asked me, "How can you even marry someone who you have never known? How can you be sure of compatibility? What if your likes and dislikes do not match?", etc., etc.

My argument has always been everything opposite of what I listed in the bullet points. My wife and I are totally dissimilar. Our likes and dislikes generally do not match. I do not buy jwellery for her every birthday; nor do I bring flowers (though such mannerisms would not hurt). But importantly I treat her as an equal and there is a great deal of trust involved.

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Preeti_20

I think both marriages are ok, love and arrange.

Like some people think love marriage isnt always the better just because you love your partner then marry him, generally marriages happen then love happens.

Both marriage can be successful it depends upon a person, how they treat each other, their understanding, commitment, trust, trying to know each other well makes it even better.

I dont think love marriages fail, as i have mentioned it depends on the person how well they can make it work, yes its true as you mentioned in an arranged marriage a girl has to compromise, its why that its known that arranged marriages work better.

I also think that women need to stand up for themselves and not be dominated by males, (im not against males), its just that women are known to suffer in their relations and can not often speak out, and like just4kix said that women realize their marriage is not working and cant do anything because they reach a certain age, so what. If they are not happy why suffer!!

In a marriage whether love or arrange both man and woman need to be understanding, compromise and care for each other, thats what the relationship is about. They are the two people who will stay together for life and if they do such small things it will only be good for themselves.

Just4kix i think you clearly highlighted the points in a marriage which also apply to your marriage, which is very good!

gardencityboy

I think both are ok with me
it is just necessary that both have respect for each other and the guy does not take the gal for granted

itsmemad

As I said... Love-Come-Arranged is best thing to happen in anyone's life..

I'm a firm b'liever that one sud know inside-out about the partner before marriage... One should know his/her likes, dislikes, common qualities, uncommon qualities, nature, temperament, attitude, career-orientation, thought-process, commitment towards marriage, friend-circle, family background (some arrange marriages don't actually dig deep in it and hence feel betrayed after some-time), medical history (everybody has some problem but its better if one knows about them sooner than later), and if I may add compatibility in Love Making is important too... Gone were the days when a bride was expected to be a gift wrapped in a Banarasi saari or a Rajasthani lahenga... lol..

I might sound cheap to some people reading this post... But the fact is many early divorces happen due to this reason only... All other reasons r just a crap for world to know... But incompatibility in sexual drive is the basic reason for all other reasons to crop up...

Ofcourse, love is blind... but atleast one knows and has a chance to decide where he/she can make compromises and adjustment after marriage... Its better than cribbing my marriage has become a compromise later...

Second phase after a couple is going great in Love is involve parents on both sides... I value Indian Culture to great extent... And I agree with just4kix's point that marriage isn't just about 2 persons coming together.... Its about union of 2 families... Abroad marriages break up frequently due to no enforcement from the society... People just leave each other cuz of small differences... Differences r bound to happen in any relation (even if one has taken necessary precautions mentioned above). No 2 persons r same... And people do change a bit too... Any human being is ever evolving throughout his/her life.. some for good, some for bad... So we need some one to guide us during those times... And whoz better than our parents to take advice from??
Besides, taking parents in the loop before marriage will make them feel good too...

I said earlier, if all these things happen in one's life...therez nothing better than it... One sud try to make these things happen...

Alexina

my god..some people in here have researched this topic for long and have their own thesis to submit. good

as for me i ll prefer a love marraige..that way if things get screwed up i can i say it was my own choice and blame some else for it..(oh yes wen things get messes we all need som1 to blame)

Preeti_20

I also believe in destiny and this plays a role too, but more over as mentioned before its up to a person themselves to make a relationship work.

smoothvibes

Both are OK till the time you get a right life partner, there is nothing to do with arrange or love. Only thing which should matter is frequency, match and the person.
If i'll be a little bit personal here, my real sister is muslim by religion coz she got married to a muslim guy and i m pure hindu by religion (who never eats non veg n stuff ) but never found anything strange in this marriage coz me or anyone else from my relation is not going to live with that man. only my sister is moving so she can choose better for her. Just like that everyone needs to idetify own needs and then need to make a good decision.
I really can not go against or in favour of love or arrange marriage... again confused

Preeti_20

You said in places to eat thread that blah blah chicken dish is so nice..........how do u know it is if ur a veg?

Admin

I know love marriages are ok coz Ive had one myself... alas I cant find out what is it like to get an arranged marriage done